My grandparents have been the major influence in my life. in many respects more so than my parents as I was coming of age. When I had a moral conundrum it was them that I thought of and their teachings and perspectives that guided my better decisions.
My grandfather Nathan was like a wise old man from some fantastical story and taught me about everything from business negotiating to how to live healthfully- he believed in eating healthy foods and vigorous exercise, was an early riser and loved the ocean- gifts he passed to me (though some took many years to adopt). He passed a few years ago at 94. In the end we went through several caregivers as his dementia made him hard to manage. He was a big guy at 6’2″ and finally had to be moved to a home when he became too much to manage. It was heartbreaking and I still feel the deep cut of guilt for not being there to care for him myself. I hated seeing him in a home where he looked stripped of his once royal bearing, strangers doing the heavy lifting I wish I could have done.
My grandmother -Sarah by birth but “Sez” is what she has gone by since my grandfather began calling her that from the time they first fell in love at 17- is 98 now and still very much present in mind, though her body is finally giving out. The pain she is experiencing is causing her to be more easily annoyed and I -we, the whole family- can see it is wearing on her. It’s wearing on her will to live and because I want her to live forever, I find this heartbreaking.
She has always been a tower of patience, love, class and dignity who also dressed to the nines and demanded manners at all times. She raised four boys and could be strong without being overly stern but you never felt anything less than loved to the moon and back. She has 9 great grandchildren and can literally recite all of their names and birthdays in chronological order. My children were her first three great grandchildren and I feel blessed to have been able to give her such joy by giving her more to love and influence. My kids are totally bonded to their grandma Sez just as I was because she gives them a sense of place in this sometimes crazy world. They touch history through her.
Unfortunately there is no magic available to me just because I own a home care agency. My mom also owns an agency in Los Angeles, closer to my grandma, Sez but it does not matter what you own when age has its way. My grandmother is getting to the point that we will have to make a decision as to when we will need to move her from the home my dad grew up in. Where she has enjoyed caregivers for over a decade now. Even agency owners have to pay for caregivers for their loved ones and the cost is now into the millions after years of 24 hour care.
Being in this business for a decade now I knew this was coming. I knew it would be a painful retching experience for all of us. I’ve seen the families we have worked for go through the same. Counseled them and made recommendations for places I hoped would make them feel better about their decision to move mom or dad or grandma from their own home. I cannot say that makes this at all easier for us but I do know what I tell them and I’m saying the same to myself. I, we, my family does all we can for grandma sez. We love and cherish her. We tell her this all the time but sometimes not as much as we would want to because our lives get in the way. We are imperfect but we try and we will learn from this and apply whatever guilt or “wish I would haves” to do better to recognize the importance of those who have given us life and be sure to tell them and show them how much we value their presence. Teach our children to respect and cherish the people that are still with us because they have so much to impart, and that no amount of new stuff can compare to a lifetime of knowledge and experiences to share.
